Tag: Holiday

Word Wednesday Not Quite Feeling It (Yet)
Word Wednesday Not Quite Feeling It (Yet)

In case anyone hasn’t noticed, the holiday season is creeping up on us rather quickly. Here in Ontario, we’ve had our first snowfall and all of the requisite bad driving conditions that accompany it. It’s just over 2 weeks until Christmas and Hanukkah, because this is one of those magical years where both celebrations overlap. I have several friends who celebrate both holidays and when they fall over the same period, their already crazy lives get even crazier. My schedule is certainly filling up as the end of the year draws near – with babysitting gigs, dinners with friends, and a couple of holiday parties. I love the chance to get dressed up, put on some holiday themed jewelry (usually that I made myself) and celebrate with friends. As I wrote last week, I love picking out gifts for friends and family and seeing them smile when they open it. But unlike other years where I’m in full on Santa, Cheesy Romantic Comedies, and Christmas baking explosions, I’m feeling decidedly non-festive this year.

I have felt like this before and it usually resolves itself long before we hit double digit dates in December. I’m not sure what is so different this year but there’s something missing for sure. I was briefly in the Christmas spirit a couple of weeks ago when I went with my friend Louise to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra do their annual Christmas Show. It was spectacular: he music was amazing even at the Air Canada Centre (a place not known for great acoustics), the set design was nothing short of magical, and the special effects and pyrotechnics were beyond what I expected. This was one of those shows I’d wanted to see for awhile but had never managed to attend the one or two nights they were in Toronto due to scheduling conflicts. This year I was gifted the tickets, and finally went and I regret not going sooner and making it a Christmas tradition long before now. If you like Christmas music with screaming guitars, fire, an awesome group of background singers, and joined with instrumentalists from the local symphony, go see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra if you possibly can. You won’t regret it. But you may want to bring ear plugs because it’s a pretty loud concert.

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I know it’s partly grief – I came by my love of all things Christmas quite honestly – Mum adored Christmas and would have the house decorated long before the Grey Cup participants were decided. This is the third Christmas without her, and things are getting a little easier but I still have moments when grief washes over me like waves washing away a sandcastle on the beach. One of those happened this past weekend as I was getting groceries after volunteering. I was in a good mood after volunteering and was enjoying walking the aisles of the supermarket in search of new things to cook in the pressure cooker. Then I rounded a corner and came face to face with a display of Mrs. Kipling’s Mince Pies. I cannot abide mince pies – I don’t like the taste or the texture. Dad’s firmly in my camp – not a fan of mincemeat nor fruitcake (unless it is positively swimming in brandy). Mum was another story and every year we would start hunting as early as mid-November for the coveted Mrs. Kipling’s Mince Pies. Seeing them on display made me smile and I had one of those grief-fog moments where I forgot mum isn’t here anymore. I grabbed the package and as I turned to put it in my cart the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt sick – my head got all foggy and muffled, I was really really hot all of a sudden, and needed to go somewhere to regain my composure. Fortunately the grocery store in question has bathrooms that are pretty much impossible to find and are single family style washrooms instead of gendered multi-stall affairs. I beelined to the washrooms and had a good cry, emerging a few minutes later red-faced but able to continue shopping.

I’m going through the motions – the tree is up and decorated, the Christmas stuffed animals that surround the stairs to the basement are being put out as we speak, the family and dining rooms look like an elf was let loose with every holiday decoration known to man. I even got the blasted Noma musical boxes (circa 1990 ) out and untangled the wires to set them up. The manger is set up, awaiting the arrival of the baby Jesus figurine on December 25th (assuming I haven’t forgotten where I put it). I even hung the stockings on the mantle. Dad never really liked filling stockings – I was in charge of mum’s stocking once I was old enough to be let loose in a store with $30 (Santa only filled kids stockings in our house). Since mum died, we haven’t done stockings and that makes me sad because I love opening the stocking to find some of the same things in there year after year – an Archie comic book, a lottery ticket, Ovation chocolates, and lip balm. There were other things in the stocking too, but those were in there without fail every year. Seeing the empty stockings hanging on the mantle makes me feel sad, but not having them hanging at all was upsetting too so it’s hard to choose.

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I’ve got a couple of days ahead which will involve me playing Santa Jenn to a few of my friend’s kids and lots more gifts to be distributed next week. I’m also volunteering to help sort gifts for the local Santa fund so that should improve my Christmas spirit. Have you ever had a year where you just didn’t get into the holiday spirit? What helped you?

Spirit comes from Latin – which shouldn’t be a surprise at all – the root word is spirare – to breathe.

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Spirit (spir·it) Noun
1. Qualities regarded as forming the definitive or typical elements in the character of a person, nation, or group or in the thought and attitudes of a particular period.
2. The real meaning or the intention behind something as opposed to its strict verbal interpretation.
3. The attitude or intentions with which someone undertakes or regards something.
4. The nonphysical part of a person that is the seat of emotions and character; the soul.
5. Strong distilled liquor such as brandy, whiskey, gin, or rum.
December 7, 2016
Teaching your child with ASD about gifts
Teaching your child with ASD about gifts

One of the most common questions I hear during the holiday season is “How do I teach my child gift etiquette?” Gift giving occasions with kids on the spectrum can be tricky to say the least. Gifts may overwhelm, kids may forget the social niceties we spend all year teaching them causing friends or relatives to get upset when a child forgets to thank them, or worse, is unable to tell one of the social white lies when a gift isn’t quite what was expected. I’ve known more than one child on the spectrum who blurted out “I didn’t want this”, “Yuck”,or “I already have this” when presented with a gift that wasn’t on their radar. I have previously written about buying gifts for kids with special needs so this post is going to focus on ways you can help your child both giving and receiving gifts.

A pile of wrapped gifts

Giving

Gift giving can be a really tough skill for kids to learn, and kids on the spectrum have a tougher time than most. There are quite a few strategies I’ve used to teach kids about giving (both gifts and in a larger, charitable sense) and others that friends have used successfully. It’s hit and miss what works with a particular kid, but with some trial and error, a method that works for a particular kid can almost always be found.
- Write your own social story about giving gifts to others. Important points to include are why we give gifts, and how to respond when thanked for a present. You can also include a section on choosing gifts if you wish. For a quick and easy social story maker I use ConnectAbility’s Visuals Engine. It’s free and you can download the story as a PDF and print it once made. Read the social story often leading up to the gift giving occasion. Make one specific to the holiday season and another one for other gift giving occasions such as birthday parties.
- Involve the child as much as possible in the process. From making a list of people he would like to give gifts to, to picking a suitable gift. You may need to model desired behaviour and show your own thinking “I know daddy likes cars, and needs socks, so he would like these socks with cars on them” – walk your child through how you pick out gifts for others. (Do this cautiously if the child is prone to blurting out to others what they’re getting, or do it with hypothetical gifts only)
- Help your child wrap the gifts. If your child becomes anxious about wrapping, use a box or a bag. If they really don’t want the gift hidden (and some kids don’t), then just put a bow on it.
- Use photos as gift tags to indicate who the present is for – this serves to remind the child that the gift is for another person (so may discourage them from opening it) and who the recipient is.
- Practice, Practice, Practice! Enlist an older sibling or friend and model gift giving (and receiving). When the child has seen the example a few times, have them switch into the scenario.
- Some spectrum kids pick things they really like for their friends and siblings and then don’t want to give it away. Make sure you talk about the recipient a lot when you’re buying the gift, and talk about how much they will enjoy it. They may still not want to give the gift away, but be firm and explain that it is not theirs.
- Kids who are rule followers may find the idea of social conventions comforting. So explaining in in terms of a “non-optional social convention” a la Big Bang Theory is a good way to introduce them to the rules of gift giving.(In general, I don’t believe that gift giving is a social obligation but for kids who need rules… this helps).
Receiving
- Practice opening gifts, taking turns and waiting for others, and giving gifts. Try to practice this daily. Wrap boxes with favourite toys and some new items to simulate the experience. Having an established order for opening gifts – each child opens one and the cycle continues.
- Role play scenarios with your child in preparation for him/her getting a gift they do not want. Give them the right words to use to politely accept a gift. “Thank you for thinking of me” works well.
- If your family tradition includes putting gifts under the Christmas tree, prepare well ahead of time by setting the rules (gifts are only to be opened when everybody is there, or after a certain time on Christmas morning). Perhaps wrap an empty box to see if your child is able to resist the temptation.
- Alternatively, wait until just before the holiday to set out gifts, especially large tempting ones.
- Wrap each family member’s presents in a distinct wrapping paper. That way the child knows which ones are theirs and hopefully won’t unwrap everybody’s presents looking for theirs.
- When opening gifts as a family, use a consistent order to open gifts. You can try a signal such as an ornament or large candy cane that is passed around to signal whose turn it is to open the next gift. This helps alleviate disorganization and the frustration of waiting.
- Set a limit on the number of gifts from extended family members and family friends. That way the child knows to expect 3 gifts from grandma and 2 from an aunt. This is very comforting to some kids on the spectrum.
- Gifts can be overwhelming – especially all at once… so don’t! Open gifts all day long, or over multiple days, whatever works for your family.
- Sometimes you will find that your child is only interested in playing with the gift he or she has just opened. Let them play. Forcing the child to move to the next present will only create a confrontational situation. Give them a timed warning “In 10 minutes, we’re going to open another gift”, and stick to it. Adjust the time limit if there’s a time sensitive situation like grandma needing to leave.
- Some children with ASD prefer that you leave their presents unwrapped – others want to know exactly what is in each gift. Surprises can be a source of anxiety, so try to honour your child’s wishes. You can move towards wrapping in steps – wrap a little more each day or week. Some kids are okay with a present wrapped if they know what’s inside. Experiment to see what works best for your child.
Gifts are part and parcel of the holiday season, but the stress and anxiety that often come with them don’t have to be. What are your best tips to make gift giving and receiving easier for your children?
December 2, 2015
Word Wednesday Holi-daze
Word Wednesday Holi-daze

As of today, there is one month left until Christmas, and only 12 days left until the beginning of Hanukkah. Tomorrow is US Thanksgiving and the traditional start to the holiday sales season happens Friday with the retail event known as Black Friday. Most of the people celebrate something in and around December / January so it’s a busy time of year. Between family events, social events, work related events, and school concerts my December calendar is looking very full indeed.

I have to admit that the holidays are much harder now since the death of my mum. She loved Christmas and the house would be bursting at the seams with decorations, music, baking, and presents (one year we had 3 trees – big one in the living room, small one in the family room, and a child / pet proof one in the basement). Dad on the other hand, has leaned more towards the Grinch side of the spectrum. He never begrudged mum all her decorations but we both knew if left to his own devices, there would be a lot less Christmas in the house. I’m somewhere in the middle. I like Christmas and love finding the perfect gift for friends and family members, setting up my nativity scene, and enjoy putting up the tree, but aside from that? I’m not big on decking the halls. Last year it was about 10 days before Christmas when we finally got the tree up (and that was because we had company coming over). I’m not sure when it’s going up this year.

The Christmas tree last year

I have a tradition of getting all the kids in my life (and there are a lot of them) who I buy presents for, books for Christmas. It’s much easier to keep track of reading levels than it is to figure out who likes Littlest Pet Shop vs Barbie vs Transformers vs Hot Wheels. I do that for birthdays – they’re (thankfully) spread out though the year. I get some books used (but in great condition) and some new – helps the budget and the earth. I find 2-3 books per kid and double check with mom and or dad to make sure they don’t already have it, then I put a post-it note with the kid’s name on it and wrap them in a marathon session. The bonus is that books are far easier to wrap than most toys – straight edges and they’re generally flat. This is about 2/3 of the total books for this year:

At least they’re small and stack nicely

All of this has me thinking about holidays and when holidays aren’t actually holidays. We celebrate 2 Thanksgivings here, although I only cook turkey for one. The US Thanksgiving is a social event with 6 or 7 people dropping by all afternoon and evening to hang out and watch football (starting, of course, with my beloved Detroit Lions game at 12:30). So it’s a holiday here, even if its’ not an official holiday in Canada. Today’s Word Wednesday, in celebration of all of this, is holiday. Holiday is defined as a day of festivity or recreation when no work is done. So I guess neither Thanksgiving counts as a holiday in my house – we’re doing outside work on Canadian Thanksgiving and I work before and during the games on US Thanksgiving. The word holiday comes from the Old English halidaeg which translates to ‘holy day’, reflecting that early holidays were religious observances.

Holiday (hol·i·day) noun
1. A day fixed by law or custom on which ordinary business is suspendedin commemoration of some event or in honor of some person.
2. Any day of exemption from work (distinguished from working day ).
3. a religious feast day; holy day.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get ready for tomorrow’s holiday.
November 25, 2015
A Month of Heartache

A Month of Heartache

I used to love May. It meant the school year was almost over, the days were still getting longer, the weather was (usually) getting warmer, and it meant I could plan a fun Mother’s Day gift for my mum. I love shopping for just the right gift for a person and mum was no exception. I would stand in the card store and read all the cards and pick out exactly the right one, find or make a gift, and then wait eagerly for Mother’s Day to arrive so I could give it to her. When mum died a year and a half ago, I knew Christmas and her Birthday would be hard, but I didn’t think about the hardest month – aka the one before Mother’s Day. This will be my second Mother’s Day without mum and though dad and I have settled into what I like to call a “new normal”, Mother’s Day is harder this year than last year. Last year it had only been 6 months since mum died – I was still in shock, it didn’t feel real yet. The Mother’s Day ads didn’t bring the same gut punch that they have this year.

It started right after Easter – the messages in my inbox took on a decidedly maternal tone. E-mail after e-mail encouraged to get a head start on finding the perfect gift for my mum. It seems like Mother’s Day has become an all-encompassing holiday. Every company has an angle on the day and how to make it special using their products. I get it. Nobody wants to be the jerk who doesn’t get their mom something for Mother’s Day. For those of us still actively grieving, however, these emails are another reminder of what we have lost.

The television and radio ads – for diamonds, for florists, for dinners out are relentless. I’m sure my listening preferences have something to do with it – I favour sports talk or classic rock radio stations. I’m barely in their demographics so I hear a lot of ads that are completely meaningless to me (the weight loss for men clinic ads come to mind here). I know that a study in the May 2013 Reader’s Digest shows that men spend more than women on Mother’s Day gifts, so by listening to radio stations that are geared towards men, I’m going to hear more reminders of Mother’s Day. But every commercial break? It’s made me listen to CDs instead of the radio in the car and PVR TV shows so I can scan through the commercials.

Then there are the flyers. Even Home Hardware has a Mother’s Day theme to their ads. Canadian Tire, as always, has an entire flyer dedicated to Mother’s Day (but curiously focused one the kitchenware and garden department instead of the hardware or sports departments – I know I’d rather have a drill than another frying pan!). Even the grocery stores are all about Mother’s Day – both in store and in their flyers.

Yesterday I went into town to do some volunteering – which usually lifts my mood. The place where I volunteer is also the place mum volunteered so there are a lot of memories associated with it. Normally, I take comfort in those memories and enjoy helping my community in the same place mum did. Yesterday, not so much. A customer came up to me and started talking about mum, which usually makes me smile but she just kept going on and on and it made me miss her even more. I excused myself at the first opportunity and went into the back and had a good cry. The signs by the roadside on the way home advertising flowers, chocolates, dinner, and brunch for Mother’s Day didn’t help me forget the awkward encounter either.

Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram have all been filled with photos and statuses about Mother’s Day – be it wish lists, not so subtle hints, or sponsored ads from companies who are trying to sell Mother’s Day “experiences” or gifts. Each one I see is a reminder that I no longer have someone to buy a gift for, or someone to call and talk to. I lost track of how many times I’ve shut down a social app this week and been crying. It’s not that I begrudge my friends their happiness with their mothers, it’s that it makes me miss mine so much more.

The good news is that Mother’s Day fades into oblivion quickly. One more week and it’s gone. I’m in a position that many of my friends who have lost their mothers are not in. I’m not a mother, so I’m not looking forward to what my kids are doing that day. There really is no upside to Mother’s Day for me. Last year I tried to remember all the good times, but it’s too soon for that right now. Rather than being comforting, those memories are making me feel the loss even more acutely. So for the next week, I’m limiting my time on social media and batch deleting emails about Mother’s Day. I’m planning a day with my dad, tending to the gardens she enjoyed so much, and trying to move on as best I can with a mum shaped hole in my heart.

This is from last year – mum missed the lilac we had at our old house so 6 years ago I bought her a lilac bush for Mother’s Day. It never really bloomed until after she passed away.

May 3, 2015