Category: Life

How Not to be an Asshole When a Friend’s Parent Dies

Originally published on Yummy Mummy Club (view as published via Internet Archive)

Let’s face it: death sucks. Huge. Okay now that that’s out of the way, here’s the thing: We’re not getting any younger and neither are our parents.

Most of us are at an age where we have either dealt with the death of a parent or will be doing so in the not too distant future. In those immediate days and weeks after we find out that we’ve lost one of our anchors in the world, we often look to our friends for support and comfort. Sometimes friends are wonderful and supportive, and sometimes we wonder if they were raised by wolves.

To avoid having your friends wonder about your upbringing, here are a few Dos and Don’ts gleaned from my own experience of losing my mum and friends’ experiences losing a parent.

Do: Show Up

You know the Woody Allen quote “eighty percent of success is showing up”? In this case, that’s a low estimate. If you find yourself saying “but I didn’t know Jane’s mother very well” or “I only met her at the wedding, the kid’s birthdays, and that dinner party” stop yourself – because you’re venturing into asshole territory.

Funerals and visitations are for the living and your friend will be incredibly grateful for a friendly face amongst the crowd. I can name every friend who made the effort to come out to mum’s visitation – and those who “weren’t comfortable in funeral homes” and stayed home instead. Newsflash – I wasn’t exactly having the time of my life there either, but having supportive friends who came made it bearable.

If you can’t be there physically, then call or write a short note in a card. Facebook messages are great and all but they can get lost in the shuffle. If you do show up for the funeral, please come on time, turn off your cell phone, and if you notice your friend cornered by a well-meaning but clueless relative, run some interference.

Don’t: Offer Platitudes or Ask Whether They’re ‘Over’ it (EVER)

This is something every single friend I polled said. You may think it’s helpful to say “they’re in a better place now” or “God needed another angel more than you needed your parent” but it is incredibly hard to resist the urge to punch someone who has just uttered those words to you when you’re deep into grieving a loved one. I had to resist the urge to yell back “How do you know how much I need my mum” whenever the phrase “God needed her more than you do” was directed at me.

By the way – the total count for that particular phrase was 8 during the visitation and the funeral alone so it bears repeating. Don’t try to minimize your friend’s grief with empty platitudes. If you can’t think of what to say, a simple “I’m sorry for your loss” is always appreciated. Likewise, if your friend says something a month, or a year down the road about missing their parent, don’t say “aren’t you over that yet?” or “it’s been x months, it’s time to move on”. Grief doesn’t end – it changes and becomes less acute over time, but you never stop missing your parent.

Do: Offer to Bring a Meal for the Family

Offer concrete options – open ended statements like “let me know if I can do anything” were stressful as they added another thing to the ever growing to-do list in my brain. Other things that were appreciated: the neighbour who showed up and said “let me take the dog for a walk” and the lovely anonymous angel who made cookies and left them on our doorstep about 2 weeks after the funeral.

Don’t: Avoid the Topic of the Deceased or Assume Every Memory is Sad

Yes, most things would make me cry during the first few weeks. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t appreciate every anecdote or memory someone shared.

This is not the time for guilt trips though. Don’t say things like “I bet you wish you’d spent more time at home these last few years”. It doesn’t do anything other than make your friend feel exponentially worse than they are already feeling and quite possibly make them want to avoid you like the plague. At the same time, if your friend is having a tough time but says they don’t want to talk about it, respect their wishes.

Do: Keep Being Their Friend

Your friend has suffered a loss, but they are still your friend. They may turn your girls’ night invitations down, but they appreciate that you keep inviting them and one day they will feel strong enough to accept. Accept that some days are going to be hard for her, and reassure her that you aren’t going anywhere.

In the end, it’s not hard to avoid being an asshole when a friend’s parent dies. Put yourself in their shoes and ask what you would want your friends to do and do it. Go to the visitation or funeral, be compassionate, bring food they don’t have to think about, let them share happy memories if they want, and be willing to be the one who puts in the ‘work’ to keep the friendship going for a little while.

December 8, 2016
Word Wednesday Not Quite Feeling It (Yet)
Word Wednesday Not Quite Feeling It (Yet)

In case anyone hasn’t noticed, the holiday season is creeping up on us rather quickly. Here in Ontario, we’ve had our first snowfall and all of the requisite bad driving conditions that accompany it. It’s just over 2 weeks until Christmas and Hanukkah, because this is one of those magical years where both celebrations overlap. I have several friends who celebrate both holidays and when they fall over the same period, their already crazy lives get even crazier. My schedule is certainly filling up as the end of the year draws near – with babysitting gigs, dinners with friends, and a couple of holiday parties. I love the chance to get dressed up, put on some holiday themed jewelry (usually that I made myself) and celebrate with friends. As I wrote last week, I love picking out gifts for friends and family and seeing them smile when they open it. But unlike other years where I’m in full on Santa, Cheesy Romantic Comedies, and Christmas baking explosions, I’m feeling decidedly non-festive this year.

I have felt like this before and it usually resolves itself long before we hit double digit dates in December. I’m not sure what is so different this year but there’s something missing for sure. I was briefly in the Christmas spirit a couple of weeks ago when I went with my friend Louise to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra do their annual Christmas Show. It was spectacular: he music was amazing even at the Air Canada Centre (a place not known for great acoustics), the set design was nothing short of magical, and the special effects and pyrotechnics were beyond what I expected. This was one of those shows I’d wanted to see for awhile but had never managed to attend the one or two nights they were in Toronto due to scheduling conflicts. This year I was gifted the tickets, and finally went and I regret not going sooner and making it a Christmas tradition long before now. If you like Christmas music with screaming guitars, fire, an awesome group of background singers, and joined with instrumentalists from the local symphony, go see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra if you possibly can. You won’t regret it. But you may want to bring ear plugs because it’s a pretty loud concert.

%{include image.html url=“/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/IMG_20161123_215606_edit_edit.jpg” alt=“Four musicians play on a stage with fireworks going off behind them.” description=“Definitely one of the best concerts I’ve seen.”}

I know it’s partly grief – I came by my love of all things Christmas quite honestly – Mum adored Christmas and would have the house decorated long before the Grey Cup participants were decided. This is the third Christmas without her, and things are getting a little easier but I still have moments when grief washes over me like waves washing away a sandcastle on the beach. One of those happened this past weekend as I was getting groceries after volunteering. I was in a good mood after volunteering and was enjoying walking the aisles of the supermarket in search of new things to cook in the pressure cooker. Then I rounded a corner and came face to face with a display of Mrs. Kipling’s Mince Pies. I cannot abide mince pies – I don’t like the taste or the texture. Dad’s firmly in my camp – not a fan of mincemeat nor fruitcake (unless it is positively swimming in brandy). Mum was another story and every year we would start hunting as early as mid-November for the coveted Mrs. Kipling’s Mince Pies. Seeing them on display made me smile and I had one of those grief-fog moments where I forgot mum isn’t here anymore. I grabbed the package and as I turned to put it in my cart the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt sick – my head got all foggy and muffled, I was really really hot all of a sudden, and needed to go somewhere to regain my composure. Fortunately the grocery store in question has bathrooms that are pretty much impossible to find and are single family style washrooms instead of gendered multi-stall affairs. I beelined to the washrooms and had a good cry, emerging a few minutes later red-faced but able to continue shopping.

I’m going through the motions – the tree is up and decorated, the Christmas stuffed animals that surround the stairs to the basement are being put out as we speak, the family and dining rooms look like an elf was let loose with every holiday decoration known to man. I even got the blasted Noma musical boxes (circa 1990 ) out and untangled the wires to set them up. The manger is set up, awaiting the arrival of the baby Jesus figurine on December 25th (assuming I haven’t forgotten where I put it). I even hung the stockings on the mantle. Dad never really liked filling stockings – I was in charge of mum’s stocking once I was old enough to be let loose in a store with $30 (Santa only filled kids stockings in our house). Since mum died, we haven’t done stockings and that makes me sad because I love opening the stocking to find some of the same things in there year after year – an Archie comic book, a lottery ticket, Ovation chocolates, and lip balm. There were other things in the stocking too, but those were in there without fail every year. Seeing the empty stockings hanging on the mantle makes me feel sad, but not having them hanging at all was upsetting too so it’s hard to choose.

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I’ve got a couple of days ahead which will involve me playing Santa Jenn to a few of my friend’s kids and lots more gifts to be distributed next week. I’m also volunteering to help sort gifts for the local Santa fund so that should improve my Christmas spirit. Have you ever had a year where you just didn’t get into the holiday spirit? What helped you?

Spirit comes from Latin – which shouldn’t be a surprise at all – the root word is spirare – to breathe.

%{include image.html url=“/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/coollogo_com-31270177.png” alt=“Stylized text of the word Spirit” description=“Spirit”}

Spirit (spir·it) Noun
1. Qualities regarded as forming the definitive or typical elements in the character of a person, nation, or group or in the thought and attitudes of a particular period.
2. The real meaning or the intention behind something as opposed to its strict verbal interpretation.
3. The attitude or intentions with which someone undertakes or regards something.
4. The nonphysical part of a person that is the seat of emotions and character; the soul.
5. Strong distilled liquor such as brandy, whiskey, gin, or rum.
December 7, 2016
Word Wednesday on Thankful Thursday
Word Wednesday on Thankful Thursday

I couldn’t quite make up my mind on whether or not this should be a Word Wednesday post or if I should call it Thankful Thursday so I decided to make it both. Now before anybody asks. I’m planning to tackle the US election results with a word next week. I need some time to think of a word that adequately describes what went on other than one that rhymes with musterduck. This week, however is the week of Remembrance so I’m going to concentrate on that today.

I’ve written about how important Remembrance Day is to me before, and there’s no doubt that it’s always going to be a special day in my household. Of late, I’ve been quite involved with the debate over whether or not Remembrance Day should be a statutory holiday in Ontario as it is in many other provinces. I’m of two minds on this. On the one hand, I like the idea of families being able to go to the cenotaph together to either remember family members who served or to thank veterans in person. I’ve seen the joy in an older veteran’s eyes when a small child comes up to thank them – it’s really special. Having Remembrance Day as a statutory holiday would allow this to happen more frequently. The banks and federal and provincial government offices are already closed so I’m not sure how much of a negative effect it would have on business to have the day off.

On the other hand, I understand that not all parents will bring their kids to a cenotaph or watch the ceremony from Ottawa via television or the internet so those kids may end up seeing Remembrance Day as just another day off. This argument is usually accompanied by statements such as “schools do so much for Remembrance Day”. Which used to be true but I’m not so sure anymore. I remember asking a friend’s grade 3 child who was dutifully practicing the words to “In Flanders’ Fields” why they were doing that poem. “For Remembrance Day” he said – which was a good start. I asked if they were doing anything other than memorizing a poem to recite. “No, the teacher says this is more than enough since we have the assembly too”. I may have sighed audibly at that point. The kid was blindly memorizing words and there was no teaching about WHY the poem was important or even WHAT the poem was about. Of course I explained it but it bothers me that this wasn’t done in school – especially given that the child lived within an hour of Guelph, Ontario which is the birthplace of John McCrae, the author of In Flanders’ Fields.

Photo Courtesy Canadian War Museum

I asked a friend who has taught elementary school for decades about what she was seeing in the schools for Remembrance day and how it compared to what I remembered. She said that overall there is a lot less being done for a few different reasons. One is time. Teachers are strapped for time and researching Remembrance Day activities takes time. Another reason is curriculum tie-ins. This is why things like reading a poem aloud is done instead of teaching the background to the poem. One ticks the boxes for the language arts curriculum, the other doesn’t tick a grade appropriate box for history or civics at the primary level – so when combined with the first reason these mean that kids are learning the poem but not the history behind it. The third reason she gave made me incredibly frustrated though. She told me there’s a political reason – parents complain when they teach too much around Remembrance Day. It turns out, some parents feel that teaching about Remembrance Day and even celebrating it at all is promoting militarism.

Remembrance day does NOT promote militarism. In fact it promotes exactly the opposite. When we celebrate valour and courage on the battlefield we are not rejoicing in it. I have yet to meet a veteran (and I’ve talked to hundreds personally) who thinks that war is a good thing. Some will tell you that World War II was a noble war – it needed to happen to stop evil from triumphing, but they still wish it hadn’t been necessary in the first place. The same is true of military historians. We don’t celebrate war. We celebrate people – people who fought in wars yes, but people nonetheless. War is always tragic. War always hurts the innocent. We need to understand war if we want to live in peace. So not teaching about war will, ironically, prevent peace.

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On November 11th, please take a moment to remember those who have served in the name of peace. Right now, more than ever, we as a nation (and as part of the global community) need to remember that war is not the solution to our differences. If you are able, attend a service at the cenotaph and thank those who served with valour.

%{include image.html url=“/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/coollogo_com-54974031.png” alt=“Stylized word Valour” description=“Valour”}

Valour ( val·our ) noun
1. Boldness or determination in facing grave danger – particularly in battle
2. Heroic courage
3. Bravery
November 10, 2016
Word Wednesday: A rewarding experience
Word Wednesday: A rewarding experience

It’s been a few busy weeks and sadly, my beloved Word Wednesday posts have paid the price. Today I deliberately sought out some time because I wanted to post about an amazing experience I had in the summer that led directly to an amazing experience I had last week – and I wanted to do it while the memory was still fresh in my mind.

In August, I was invited to participate in an amazing influencer retreat – #LetsGoRama by the lovely ladies at SJ Consulting. I learned a lot but also had an amazing time just chilling by the pool with friends. The magic of that retreat still hasn’t worn off. I loved going to Casino Rama for concerts before the retreat – for me it’s the same amount of driving to go up to Rama or to go into Toronto, but one is a much more relaxing drive (and has free parking and only 5000 seats in the venue!) and the retreat introduced me to new experiences within the casino. I didn’t realize there was a saltwater pool, steam room, sauna, hot tub, or amazing exercise facility that is available to anyone who stays in the hotel or customers of the spa that is also located in the hotel.

Clockwise from top left: the hotel lobby, a guest room, the pool, the amazing sculpture above the main lobby

I signed up for a Player’s Passport Card while at the conference – it’s a rewards card for the Casino and it’s free. You can earn points with it when playing on the electronic gaming machines (like slots or video poker), and you can earn free food, concert tickets, or even a night’s stay at the hotel. I managed to earn a free night at the hotel that I could use on a non-weekend night, and the amazing PR person for the Casino offered all of the influencers at the retreat a pair of tickets to any concert in 2016. I’d already bought tickets for a few events that I was interested in, so I asked if the tickets could be for the Radio for Cardiology benefit concert featuring the Trews and 54-40. Not only was the concert featuring two bands I love, it benefited a cause close to my heart: getting a cardiac catheterization lab for Barrie’s Royal Victoria Hospital (RVH) so that everyone in Simcoe-Muskoka would be able to receive lifesaving treatment within the 90 minute standard. (I made a donation to the cause since I didn’t actually pay for the concert tickets.) I had already been tweeting and posting about this amazing concert and it was amazing when I was told that yes, I could use my free tickets for that event.

I messaged my friend Crys and asked if she wanted to come with me and stay over the night before the concert. Crys agreed and we had a lovely 28 hour stay. We ate amazing food and neither Crys who has Celiac disease and is gluten free nor me who has multiple food allergies felt there was a lack of choice while eating in any of the 3 restaurants we ate at. I had also earned some dining credits so some of my food was covered. We spent some time at the casino itself, and the afternoon was spent relaxing (and talking shop) by the pool. Then it was time for dinner and the concert.

54-40 rocking out

The concert was amazing. It started at 8pm with a local band – Code Blue – made up of doctors from RVH and they played a selection of cover songs that delighted the audience. Then came 54-40 and I was instantly transported back to my teenage years when I listened to a lot of Canadian music, particularly 54-40 and Great Big Sea. They played all of their hits, and the audience sang along to most of them. After a short break, the Trews took the stage. If you haven’t seen the Trews play live, you’re missing out. There are some bands that are just so amazing to listen to live and the Trews are one of those bands. Between the 3 bands and the two short intermissions, the concert lasted 3.5 hours! It was far better than I had imagined it would be.

The Trews, during Highway of Heroes.

All in all it was a great getaway and sorely needed for me. The fact that my hotel stay was covered as a guerdon – icing on the cake. Full confession, I’ve been trying to figure out how to use guerdon in a post for awhile now – it’s not a common word and although the definition is pretty easy to understand, it doesn’t fit easily into conversation. However, I like the way the word sounds. Guerdon means a reward or payment, and was first used in literature by Geoffrey Chaucer in the 14th Century. It is vastly underused today but was brought back to my mind when it was the Word of the Day on Merriam-Webster at the beginning of October.

The derivation of guerdon is – wait for it – Latin, however there is Old French and old High German mixed in there for effect. The root words of the word are: Old French guerredon – reward or recompense, Old High German widarlon – recompense, and Medieval Latin donum – gift. So the word has a really neat etymology and I felt like I should share it.

%{include image.html url=“/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/coollogo_com-45382240.png” alt=“Stylized word Guerdon” description=“Guerdon”}

Guerdon guer·don noun
1. A reward, recompense, or requital.
October 26, 2016
Word Wednesday – Autumnal thoughts
Word Wednesday – Autumnal thoughts

Fall has arrived and with it fall weather – which is awesome (with the exception of leaves – which aren’t so awesome when you’re highly allergic to leaf mold like I am). Cooler days and cool nights mean I’m sleeping better and can actually walk the dog in the middle of the day when he prefers it without melting into a blob on the sidewalk. I quite enjoy fall. It’s not too hot, not generally too cool, there’s football to watch, playoff baseball in Toronto, and Thanksgiving at the family cottage to look forward to.

We’ve done Thanksgiving at the cottage for years now. Even without mum, Dad and I wanted to keep up the tradition. It’s also a good weekend to get fall work done at the cottage, take in the dock and generally clean up the place. Dad will go up at least once more after Thanksgiving to clear leaves off the beach but Thanksgiving is generally my last trip up to the cottage for the season (this is partly due to the dog – he loves getting messy up there and it’s too cool to have to wash him). We usually have a turkey dinner up there. It’s not that much harder to cook up there than it is to do at home – the stove is smaller and runs hot but as long as I remember that and adjust the oven temp accordingly, it’s pretty nice. I also really enjoy having Thanksgiving dinner while looking out over the lake and at the gorgeous fall colours.

I took this photo last year – and it wasn’t even at the height of the colours yet!

I spend a lot of time over Thanksgiving taking pictures of leaves – I love looking at all the different colours. I’m incredibly thankful that I have the ability to go to cottage country and look at the gorgeous colours every fall. Of course there’s a lot of work to be done, but I can always find a few minutes to sit on the deck and quietly appreciate the foliage. I’m a little biased here, but I think Canadian Thanksgiving comes at the perfect time – right in the middle of the fall harvest, when we literally have a cornucopia of things to be thankful for. Which made me think about cornucopias and so they became my Word Wednesday word today.

A cornucopia.

Cornucopia is a neat word – it hasn’t changed in meaning or usage at all over the years. The word comes from the Latin (surprise!) words cornu copiae – which literally mean “Horn of Plenty” – which is one of the definitions of cornucopia. The other meaning of cornucopia relates to the “plenty” aspect of the original meaning – a cornucopia of fall harvest vegetables simply means an abundance of them. So to all those who are celebrating Thanksgiving this weekend, I wish you a cornucopia of good food, good drinks, and good conversation with those who mean the most of you.

Oh… and one more picture from last Thanksgiving because, leaves.

This tree is always my favourite – I love the contrast in the leaves.

%{include image.html url=“/wp-content/uploads/2016/10/coollogo_com-219603899.png” alt=“stylized word Cornucopia” description=“Cornucopia”}

Cornucopia cor·nu·co·pia noun
1. A curved goat’s horn overflowing with fruit and ears of grain that is used as a decorative motif emblematic of abundance.
2. An abundant supply of good things of a specified kind / an inexhaustible source.
October 5, 2016
Word Wednesday – too cute for words

Word Wednesday – too cute for words

I’ve got a secret. It’s something I don’t say out loud too often because when I do people react badly. Some gasp, some try to convince me that I’m crazy, and others look at me like I’ve suddenly grown a second head. You can stop reading now if you want, I understand.

Still with me? Okay then… here goes: I don’t love babies. But you work with kids” – is the initial reaction I hear most often. Yes I do… I work with kids – NOT babies. The other common reaction is “But you’re SO good with them, they love you”. This is true – I have been the ‘baby whisperer’ at several churches that I have attended over the years. I have a knack for getting little ones to calm down and go to sleep. Babies don’t generally scream for long with me – I can think of one infant over the past decade who I was unable to win over: my friend’s middle child. Her older sister loved Auntie Jenn while she was wary of pretty much everyone else outside of her immediate family. The youngest was pretty much okay with me from day one – even though he very much preferred mommy to everyone. The middle one, however, hated me. She howled, refused to sleep, and was generally inconsolable from the minute her parents left until the moment they came back. I tried every trick in the book, but until she turned a year old, that kid was NOT a fan of Auntie Jenn. Now? She loves me – I get huge hugs, pretty pictures drawn for me, and she’s even cried before school one morning when I told her I wouldn’t still be there when she got back.

It’s not that I don’t love my friend’s babies – but it’s because of their parents, not because I have an innate love for newborns. Once they are a few months old and are doing things? Bring ‘em on. Seriously – I love the mischief they get into once they’re mobile, and love the look that a toddler will give you when they’re clearly breaking the rules but are testing the line to see how much they can get away with. It’s just the first few months, before their personality really starts to show through, that I could take or leave. I do quite enjoy making baby blankets for those first few months, and will gladly hold a baby so that the mom can grab food, shower, or even just sit for a few minutes on her own; but I’m not the woman who wants to hold random babies at the store because she ’misses how it feels’. Granted I haven’t had one of my own, but I have helped raise one and have held more babies than I can count and my feelings haven’t changed – they’re cute, and fun to play with for a few minutes, but after that I’m done. I will, however answer the same question from a 2 year old 100 times without blinking. I’ll calmly deal with the tantrum throwing toddler and hand them back with a smile on my face. Maybe I just like a challenge. I know quite a few people who don’t like newborns because they’re too fragile. Except they’re not really – yes you have to pick them up carefully, and there are proper ways to hold them, but in general, if you leave them in the crib for a moment while you pee, you’re not going to do any lasting psychological damage.

I did fall in love with my best friend’s kids pretty much immediately, but again… I didn’t spend a ton of time with either of them until they were a few months old and more able to interact. I’d also volunteer to entertain the older one so that she could get some ‘bonding time’ with the younger one. Brilliant eh? My best friend and her husband made a couple of really adorable babies. We had an the inside joke when someone would complement her on the adorable baby, “yeah, I returned the non adorable one” (I’m fairly certain it wasn’t actually said out loud), then again knowing us, it may well have been.

One of my favourite pictures of the youngest… looking innocent, but plotting her escape.

I fell even more in love once their personalities began to show through. The older one was a perfectionist from the start, always watching and learning. He had deep thoughts at two that I wasn’t prepared for – and still blows me away with the depth and breadth of his thinking, his thoughtfulness, and his truly kind spirit. His sister is what my mum would call spirited. I remember babysitting them once and in the 15 seconds it took me to help the older one find something, she was trying to scale the fridge. She has the smile of an angel, but woe to the person who underestimates her. Much like Mary Tyler Moore, the kid has spunk. Looking at them solidifies the nature / nurture debate in my mind – the kids were raised by the same parents in much the same environment, but the personalities are so very different. Where one is quietly contemplative the other is a fearless performer. Of course there were physical differences too – While the older one had a bit of baby fuzz on his head at birth, the little one came out practically needing a haircut. I remember one of the first words that came into my head when I saw her picture was “what a little moppet”. I’m not sure why that word has been in my head lately, but it has been so it’s today’s Word Wednesday word.

Moppet is more commonly used in England / Great Britain than it is here, and even then it’s predominantly only used by the older generation but I think it’s a great word. The word is from the 17th century -the Middle English word moppe meant little child or baby doll and -et is a diminutive suffix. There is a school of thought that moppe may have come from the Latin word mappa which meant napkin – hence the rag doll connotation. I’m not sure if I buy that, but it’s an interesting thought.

%{include image.html url=“/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/coollogo_com-169574418.png” alt=“Stylized word Moppet” description=“Moppet”}

Moppet (mop·pet) Noun

A small endearingly sweet child.

September 21, 2016
Thank You Mary!

Thank You Mary!

Forty-six years ago tonight, The Mary Tyler Moore Show debuted in the US. It was the first sitcom to feature a never-married woman who lived on her own and had a job she loved as the central character. Think about that for a moment. This television show taught women that their happiness need not be dependent on anything or anyone outside of themselves, and it aired for the first time on September 19th 1970. Yes, I’m aware that the show That Girl, which ran between 1966-1971 also featured an unmarried female main character but having seen a few episodes of it, there isn’t much “career” in it, and I wouldn’t exactly call Marlo Thomas’ character single since she has a steady boyfriend throughout the show’s run. In contrast, Mary Tyler Moore’s character, Mary Richards, dates sporadically throughout the run of the show, with two semi-serious relationships that I can recall, but remains single until the end, and the focus of the show is fairly evenly split between Mary’s social life (including her friendships with the other female characters on the show) and her work.

I’m more than a little enamoured with The Mary Tyler Moore Show, which ran on CBS from 1970-1977. It’s still on air on a retro television channel here and also available via streaming services, and I remember it being re-run when I was younger and more impressionable too. I’ve recently learned that The Mary Tyler Moore Show wasn’t just revolutionary in its premise – it was revolutionary in its practices too. In 1972, 1/3 of the writers on staff for the show were female – by far the highest percentage of the era. Originally, Mary Richards was written as a divorcée but the network vetoed it – in part because it was too controversial in 1970 to have lead character who was (happily) divorced; and in part because test audiences couldn’t separate Mary Tyler Moore from her character on the Dick Van Dyke show, Laura Petrie, and the thought of Laura Petrie having left Rob didn’t test well at all. So the show’s producers, the legendary duo of James L Brooks and Allan Burns re-wrote her character as newly single after ending a long term relationship with a man she’d supported while he was in medical school. Mary moves to Minneapolis and begins anew at WJM -TV. She initially plans to interview for a secretary position, but when she learns it has already been filled decides to interview for the Associate Producer role with the station’s Six O’clock News, leading to perhaps my favourite line in the series:

Lou Grant (Mary’s new Boss): You got a lotta spunk.
Mary Richards: Why thank you, Mr. Grant
Lou Grant: I HATE spunk.

No matter how many times I hear that line, I still laugh, mostly because it’s so true. Mary did have spunk – though she had to grow into her spunk as the show continued, in the first couple of seasons, she was far more reserved and as time went on, she became assertive and confident and could hold her own. I don’t see this as a failing, in fact I think it’s one of the great strengths of the show that all of the characters grow and develop throughout its run. All of the characters on the show acted like a big extended family, a fact that was referenced in the final episode of the show.

%{include image.html url=“/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Love-is-All-AroundBy-Sonny-Curtis-1.png” alt=“A quote on a blue background. Text reads: sometimes I get concerned about being a career woman. I get to thinking that my job is too important to me, and I tell myself that the people I work with are just the people I work with and not my family. And last night I thought What is a family anyway? They’re just people who make you feel less alone, and really loved. And that’s what you’ve done for me. Thank you for being my family. description=”I cry every time I hear this speech”}

I’ve heard criticism of the show from a feminist perspective. It is argued that it isn’t very feminist, in that Mary never calls herself a feminist, her job is clearly subordinate to both Lou Grant (the producer), and to Murray Slaughter (the head news writer) at the beginning of the show, and even though she does eventually rise to the role of producer, she is still subordinate to Lou Grant, calling him “Mr. Grant” while all the men in the newsroom call him Lou. The other major criticism is that the conversations between Mary and the other female characters (namely Rhoda, Phyllis, Georgette, and Sue Ann) sometimes revolved about weight, appearance, housework, fashion, or men. This is all true, but I think it’s also reflective of the era which it portrays – these are conversations that female friends and colleagues would have had with each other. The female characters were *real* women, three-dimensional women, with hopes and dreams and lives outside of their homes and jobs and their conversations reflected that. Mary Richards also did many things characteristic of the feminist movement in the 1970s – she took the birth control pill, she dated but wasn’t defined or consumed by the search for a husband, and she fought for equal pay for equal work . When Lou Grant’s wife, Edie, leaves him in season 4, one of the reasons she gave is that she wanted to find out who she was other than “Lou’s wife”. In season three, Mary returns home the morning after a date wearing the same clothes she wore the night before – nothing shocking to today’s audience but in 1972, the implication of an unmarried woman having sex was pretty revolutionary. Even the theme song had a definite feminist sway to it. “You can have a town, why don’t you take it” and “You’re gonna make it after all” have a great ring to them.

%{include image.html url=“/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Love-is-All-Around-2.png” alt=“The words of the Mary Tyler Moore theme song on a black background” description=“Real ones know there were 2 different versions of the theme song.”}

One of the reasons I never questioned that I could be happy as an independent, 30-something, career-minded woman was because I was raised by people who watched this show and because I was exposed to shows like The Mary Tyler Moore Show growing up. The show was off the air before I was born, but its legacy clearly lives on. (Incidentally, the final episode, titled “The Last Show” is one of the best series finales ever, winning the Emmy for “Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series” – if you haven’t seen it, you need to.) It has been argued that without The Mary Tyler Moore Show, we wouldn’t have had another of my all time favourite television shows – Murphy Brown. which is, incidentally, about another secure, single woman in a newsroom, this time in front of the cameras. Other television shows that owe some of their success and appeal to The Mary Tyler Moore Show include Sex and the City, The Mindy Project, The New Girl, Girls, and 30 Rock. I’m sure I’m missing some here too, but those are the ones that immediately came to mind. I should also mention that I love the fact that from 1973 onward, in the opening credits scene where Mary is washing her car, she is wearing the jersey of the legendary Vikings quarterback Fran Tarkenton – who was traded back to the Vikings in 1972. This little detail makes the football fan in me happy – naturally Mary wouldn’t wear a Tarkenton jersey when he was playing for the Giants, but I suspect a lot of number 10 jerseys, hers included, came out of retirement when he came back to the Vikings.

The cast of The Mary Tyler Moore Show – from the final episode. Picture By CBS Television – Public Domain

So thank you Mary Tyler Moore for bringing Mary Richards to life, and thank you James L Brooks and Allan Burns and the executives at CBS who helped single, career women in a male dominated world learn that we’re ‘gonna make it after all’. Now, if you’ll all excuse me, I’ve got a date with my TV and a few favourite episodes of The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Are you as big a fan of The Mary Tyler Moore Show as I am? What’s your favourite episode?

September 19, 2016
Word Wednesday – Escape
Word Wednesday – Escape

Even though I work (at least partially) alongside the education system, I don’t really go “back to school”. Still, it’s a new beginning – and as the song says “every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end”. So Labour Day has just passed, and summer is coming to a close and every store has Hallowe’en decorations up, except Costco who has decided to go one better (worse?) by having Christmas trees for sale since July. Pens and pencils and pretty books to write in are going on sale which makes me very happy and also means I should actually brave one of the stores sooner rather than later so that I don’t miss out on pretty things to write with or in being on sale. Still, I’m always a little sad at the end of summer, and wish it would hang on for a little longer before the leaves change. The crisp, cool, morning air on the other hand, could start any time now. It currently feels like a sauna when I step out of my doorway, hot and very humid – another in a string of hot and humid days that seem to have characterized this summer here.

I like to try to spend time at my cottage during the summer – but this year I also wanted to explore some of the areas around my cottage that I haven’t before. We take highway 11 to the cottage, starting at the bottom and continuing up to Bracebridge where we turn off and head east towards Haliburton. I’ve driven through Barrie and Orillia hundreds of times, and have even been to a dozen or so concerts at Casino Rama but had never really explored the venue beyond a quick bite to eat before a concert. When the lovely ladies behind SJ Consulting announced that there would be a retreat for Bloggers and Influencers at Casino Rama in August, I was excited. Not only have I been curious about the casino, the hotel, and some of the other restaurants, but the ladies putting on the conference are some of my favourite people so I knew I had to apply. I was fortunate enough to be chosen to attend, and have an amazing experience.

Photo courtesy of Stacey Martin.

I’m going to write a full on review of the amazing time I had at the #LetsGoRama retreat in another post (or maybe two) but the biggest takeaway I had from the retreat – and there were a lot of amazing things that I learned during the 3 days I was there, is that we all need a little escape every so often. The retreat was almost an un-conference – we did some deep dives into topics ranging from the future of influencer marketing to how to make a media kit in the mornings, but the afternoons and evenings were completely free. Some of us caught up on work, some of us networked, some of us went to the spa or pool, and some of us did all of the above. It was amazing and gave me a chance to recharge my batteries as needed instead of my usual conference protocol of coming home completely exhausted and not wanting to speak to anyone for at least 48 hours. As a social-introvert, I love being with people in small groups (and 40-50 is about my maximum so the conference was perfect for that), and for short bursts of time. I can do a whole day but I’d really rather not because I’m just so *done* by the end of it. Having the mornings be all about learning with everyone and the afternoons and evenings being time that I could spend as I chose was PERFECTION. I need to escape groups of people – not because there’s anything inherently wrong with the group but because otherwise I become overwhelmed and stressed out and generally don’t enjoy myself.

There were so many chances to escape and connect at the retreat. I’m going to have to dedicate a whole post to the amazing ways Casino Rama pampers their guests, and how I conquered a buffet despite my allergies, but for now I want to focus on my favourite place to escape – the pool. The pool area of the hotel is free for the guests of the hotel, but anyone who books a spa treatment can also use the pool for the day. The pool itself is salt water – which I loved because it’s so much easier on my skin and bathing suit than a chlorine pool – and has a wall of windows on one side to the outdoor patio. Now, being fair skinned and not a fan of the heat, I didn’t spend a lot of time out on the patio for fear of turning into a tomato, however I noticed a lot of my compatriots quite enjoyed it. I’m part fish. I love swimming and pools so I spent my downtime in the water. I also spent some time in the eucalyptus steam room – which was heavenly. There is also a hot tub over by the pool but I’m not big on hot tubs so I didn’t test that out either. All told I spent about 2 hours in the pool and another 20 minutes in the steam room – split into 2 visits. It’s worth going to the hotel at Casino Rama just for the pool.

The pool – with the windows to the rooftop patio. Credit Ann Bacciaglia

My favourite part of the whole pool experience though wasn’t the swimming with friends and floating leisurely in the pool, or even the mad giggles in the steam room with Sherri and Christine (I wish I could remember what was so funny, though it probably wouldn’t be as funny without the company or the setting). No, what made my inner swimming nerd incredibly happy was seeing this in the changing room.

Image Courtesy of Casino Rama Resort

For those who don’t know what this is or why I was so excited – it’s a swimsuit dryer. For me, nothing ruins my zen like realizing I haven’t brought a plastic bag to put my wet swimsuit in, and having said wet swimsuit drip all over my other stuff going back to my room (or home or wherever I’m going). I also wanted to go back in the pool later, and anyone who has tried to put on a wet bathing suit knows how much of a struggle that can be. With this magical little gadget, you just open up the lid, place the swimsuit inside (one at a time) and press the lid down firmly for about half a minute. The Suitmate spins all the water out of your swimsuit and poof – almost completely dry swimsuit in under a minute. Yeah, it’s not a big thing in the grand scheme of things, but it was just one more thing that signalled to me that the people at Casino Rama Resort got me. It made my escape that much better knowing I could have a swim on my last day and not have to take a wet swimsuit back with me. Sometimes the little things really do matter.

There’s so much more I want to say about my escape at Casino Rama for the #LetsGoRama retreat, but I’m already running long and off on tangents so I’ll end here with a little history of the word escape. It’s another one with a Latin root (I know… I’m a creature of habit) – and dates from the 13th century. The root words are ex – meaning out, and cappa – meaning a head covering or cloak. So to escape something is literally to get out from under it. I think that’s pretty cool.

%{include image.html url=“/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/coollogo_com-88355138.png” alt=“Stylized text Escape” description=“Escape”}

Escape (es·cape)

Verb
1. To break free from confinement or control.
2. To elude or get free from someone or something.
3. To succeed in avoiding or eluding something dangerous, unpleasant, or undesirable. {Escaping serious harm}
4. To fail to be noticed or remembered by (someone). {The word escapes me …}
Noun
1. An act of breaking free from confinement or control.
2. A form of temporary distraction from reality or routine.
September 7, 2016
Word Wednesday – Self Care isn’t Selfish
Word Wednesday – Self Care isn’t Selfish

I’m a worrier by nature. For as long as I can remember I’ve been anxious about things such as fire, and plane crashes (though this one has pretty much disappeared), and a million other things. Over the years I’ve developed ways to assuage my worries, and sometimes my over-prepared nature has come in handy – I’m actually really great in a crisis because I’ve already played out all the outcomes in my head so all I do in the moment is act. So while I may check a campfire a couple of extra times to make sure it’s *really* out, my worrywart nature doesn’t usually affect my daily life. However, in the last few years I have noticed that somehow I’ve become a stress sponge. Unconsciously, I absorb the worries and stresses of others and make them my own. It’s beyond being empathetic, and it’s definitely not good for my health, but I don’t seem to realize that I’m doing it until too late.

The anxiety and stress were compounded by my fear of taking “me-time” worried that it would seem selfish – so I dragged my introvert self to events even when my tank was empty, agreed to babysit even when I desperately needed a night to myself, and tried to never say no to a request for help. Unsurprisingly, this wasn’t sustainable – and I wound up depressed and on the edge of a full on burnout, and then my mother passed away, and the grief nearly consumed me.

While helping others is one of my tried and true coping skills, there are times when you just need to focus on yourself and I’ve been learning how to tell the difference over the past couple years. Music is one of my favourite ways to escape – put on some headphones and drown out the world. Reading also works, though people are much more tempted to interrupt me when I’m reading versus when I’ve got headphones one. Going for walks (with or without the dog) is a great stress reliever. Bike rides – especially now that I have a gel comfort seat – are another great way to de-stress. Of course, board games are always a great way to chill with friends – but they’re also a social situation so that can be tricky as social situations often make me more stressed out.

This past fall, I had the opportunity to go to Blue Mountain Resort for the Blissdom Canada Social Media Conference. I hadn’t been to Blue Mountain in at least 20 years – and the facility was amazing and gorgeous. I don’t downhill ski, though I have plans to learn at some point – now that I’ve been assured there won’t be a repeat of the whole “skied right into the snow fence because I totally hadn’t learned how to stop yet” incident of 1990. The hotels on site are all gorgeous, the conference facilities were amazing, and the outdoor activities were top notch. I had great plans on the Sunday after the conference to do the Ridge Runner Mountain Coaster – but Mother Nature had other plans in mind. (I’m still so appreciative of the wonderful desk staff at the Blue Mountain Inn who lent me a snow brush so I could brush off my car to get home.)

Yeah that’s Snow in Mid-October.

A few days earlier in the conference we had spent an afternoon bonding with some of our fellow attendees at one of the many excursions both on and off site. I was extremely fortunate to get to experience Scandinave Spa at Blue Mountain. I have friends who go annually and who had raved about it but I didn’t quite understand what all the fuss was about. Having been, I now totally get it. Now I’m that person who won’t shut up about what an amazing experience Scandinavian Baths are. I only got a picture of the entrance because the baths themselves are a no photo zone (also a no talking zone – which was hard but worth it) but they were nice enough to give me a little USB card with amazing photos.

The top left is the only one I can take credit for – all the rest are from Scandinave Blue Mountain.

You start in the Finnish Sauna, Eucalyptus Steam Bath (room), or one of the 3 hot baths(I couldn’t do the hottest of the 3 but the other two were wonderful). The heat opens up your pores, heats up the body, and lets you sweat out impurities. After 10 or so minutes in the heat, you do a cold plunge (you probably cold stay longer but I didn’t) to close your pores in one of the cold pools, stand under the Nordic waterfall (brr), or take a cold shower. In the winter you can even roll in the snow (I’m not sure I’d want to try that). You follow the cold plunge up with relaxation – there are Muskoka chairs, fire pits, hammocks, and a gorgeous solarium – where you chill out for 10-15 minutes before doing the cycle again. I did the cycle 4 times during my visit and fell more in love with each rotation. The cold does take a bit of courage but knowing there’s a warm robe waiting for you is a huge help (either bring your own or rent one of their awesome fluffy robes). You’re also given 2 towels to dry off. It was drizzling the day I went but the towel / robe racks are covered so they stayed dry. I didn’t have time for a massage but I have it on good authority they’re amazing. It’s on the list for my next visit for sure.

I left Scandinave completely relaxed – and considering I was presenting the following day at the conference, that’s saying something! I also swear it helped me kick the last vestiges of a cold to the curb. I loved every minute of my experience at the spa and am planning to go again next month near my birthday for the summer experience. Relaxation is a funny thing – you don’t realize just how tense you are until you relax a little. The word is Middle English via (surprise!) Latin in its origin: re (expressing intensive force) combined with laxus ‘lax, loose.’. So to relax is really to loosen up – literally. I’ve been putting in a lot of hours at my computer in the last few months and a day of rest and relaxation up at the spa seems like the perfect antidote.

Relax (re·lax) Verb
1. To become or to cause (something) to become less tense, tight, or stiff.
2. To stop feeling nervous, anxious, or worried.
3. To spend time resting or doing something enjoyable especially after you have been doing work
On that note, I’ve been working hard on this post and it’s time to relax!

~~~~Note: this post was not sponsored by Scandinave in any way – I really do love it there! ~~~~
June 15, 2016
Word Wednesday – Courage – My Word
Word Wednesday – Courage – My Word

This isn’t the post I intended to write this week, or the post I imagined I would write on this word. Things change, however, and though I may be completely freaked out by change, it still happens. So I adapted, and am writing a slightly different Word Wednesday post.

This week, one of the bands I have grown up with announced that their lead singer, Gord Downie, has terminal brain cancer and that the studio album and supporting tour will be their last. Judging by my Facebook feed, I am not the only one saddened by the news. Part of the nostalgia is due to the fact that I literally grew up with The Hip on the radio. Their first big album, Up to Here, came out in 1987 – I was an impressionable grade-schooler at the time and anything that got airtime on stations my parents listened to had a big impact on my musical preferences. There’s a reason that a lot of the music I love was made before I was born – I blame dad and his affinity towards classic rock for my love of The Beatles, Jethro Tull, Neil Young and Crazy Horse, The Guess Who, The Doors, Jimi Hendrix, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, and The Band. My adoration of The Monkees is entirely the fault of Much Music for re-running their television show in the after school slot when I was a kid and Davey Jones’ adorable grin capturing my young heart. I was also in love with New Kids on the Block around the same time so take from that what you will. As I’ve grown older, my musical tastes have turned towards the East and West Coasts – with Great Big Sea and Spirit of the West respectively taking a place in my heart. I also love Blue Rodeo, Rush, The Tea Party, Barenaked Ladies, and The Trews – proving that the Canadian Content rules for radio play have definitely worked on me – it’s hard to become a fan of bands you don’t hear on the radio, or at least it is for someone my age who grew up before streaming content was a thing. (I’m sure I’ve missed some bands here but you get the idea.)

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The Tragically Hip became the soundtrack to my formative years – songs like New Orleans is Sinking, 38 years old, Fifty Mission Cap, Wheat Kings, Ahead by a Century, and Bobcaygeon were played at parties, at the cottage, and just hanging out with my friends. I learned to drive listening to these songs on the radio, I got into a huge argument with my first boyfriend over the significance of Bill Barilko, and I’ve been known to time trips to Bobcaygeon so that I leave at 9:15. I’ve seen The Tragically Hip live a few times (nowhere near as many as Great Big Sea but it’s widely acknowledged that I *may* have a slight obsession with them) and they have never disappointed me. I’m going to be trying for tickets for this last tour because I want the chance to say goodbye, to thank them for all the memories, and because I think that music as a shared experience is one of the most primal ways we can connect with others. I deliberately left out one of my favourite songs by the Tragically Hip when I listed them at the beginning of the paragraph – the one that has been quoted a lot since the news of Downie’s cancer became public – Courage (For Hugh Maclennan). Indeed, I think it does take courage to announce a goodbye tour that is actually a goodbye tour and not just because the band is going their separate ways.

%{include image.html url=“/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Courage.png” alt=“Print out of the lyrics to Courage by the Tragically Hip” description=“Courage”}

The word courage is one I’ve been planning to feature for a while and though I hadn’t planned on using the song as part the explanation, it works well. I’ve long been fascinated by the root of the word courage and the connection to the French word for heart – coeur. Etymologically speaking, this is because it was believed that the heart was the centre of all emotions and thus courage came from the heart. Indeed, there is a longstanding belief that music and the heart are interconnected – Beethoven believed that music should “strike fire in the heart”. The word courage comes to us from Middle English (denoting the heart as the seat of feelings): from Old French corage, from Latin cor ’heart’.

%{include image.html url=“/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/coollogo_com-69068518.png” alt=“Stylized word Courage” description=“Courage”}

Courage ( cour·age) noun
1. The ability to do something that frightens one.
2. Strength in the face of pain or grief.
Today, it is the second definition that strikes me – to be strong in the face of pain or grief. Yes, music fans are losing an icon, but the members of the Tragically Hip have been together for over 30 years and are losing their front man, their friend, and their most recognizable member. To be facing this loss and still announcing a cross-Canada tour takes courage indeed.

Update: Last night – October 17th, 2017, we lost Gord Downie. I say we because over the course of the day it became apparent that this was a national loss. The flag on the Peace Tower in Ottawa is at half mast until the funeral or memorial service, RIP Gord was trending on Twitter all day, and I spent most of the day listening to the Hip on repeat. I did get tickets to that final tour, and on August 10th 2016, I headed down to the Air Canada Centre with my friend Crys. We had dinner and whisky at the Irish Embassy, toasted Gord, and enjoyed a night full of glorious music. Memories were made and more than a few tears were shed. One of the coolest moments was the on the ball spotlight work during Fifty Mission Cap – when the lines “They didn’t win another until 1962 / The year he was discovered” came up, the banner for the 1962 Stanley Cup win was illuminated. It was a little thing but as a Leafs fan, it was pretty cool. The whole night was magical, and I will forever have it in my head. CBC aired the final concert of the tour live on August 20th, Dad’s birthday. We took the big tv up to the cottage, and hosted a group of friends for a viewing party on the lake- another uniquely Canadian moment courtesy of the Hip. So although I mourn Gord’s passing, my sadness is mixed with gratitude for everything he gave Canadian music fans. He who walks with the stars is now forever a part of the constellations that reveal themselves one star at a time.
May 25, 2016