Jenn Writes

Tag: life

  • My Comfort Zone and Why I’m Jumping out of it for BlissDom Canada

    My Comfort Zone and Why I’m Jumping out of it for BlissDom Canada

    On October 27th 2013, my world was turned upside down. My mum, who was my rock, passed away quite unexpectedly. I had just started teacher’s college and was looking forward to sharing the joys and sorrows of my new career with the woman who had always pushed me to try new things and follow my heart. The last year has been hard.  Harder than I ever thought it would be. I am immensely thankful for the support of friends both new and old, online and offline. Were it not for them, I don’t know how I would have managed.  My best friend dropped everything and drove up when my dad called her and broke the news so that I wouldn’t have to hear it on my own. A close friend from public school and high school who I’d lost touch with came to the funeral. My classmates were phenomenal – the first week back was awkward because nobody knew what to say but they understood when I rushed out of a class in tears. My online community closed ranks around me and were there when I needed to vent and checked in on me if I’d been silent too long. I found a new online community as well – those who have lost someone close to them unexpectedly. We support each other through our ups and downs and celebrate the good times and try to make the bad times as short as possible. I can’t thank these people enough.

    Grief changes everything. It is as if you are looking through the word through a mist. Some days you feel the fog is lifting but other days it obscures everything. I know mum wouldn’t have wanted me to stop my life, but some days it’s just so hard to find motivation to do anything. Routines bring comfort, I was back at school a week after mum died (mostly because my program demanded it), but some things brought back too many memories. It took a couple of months before I could return to my Pathfinder unit. Guiding was something special mum and I shared and while continuing in Guiding was what I wanted to do, the first time I put on my uniform I laid on my bed and cried for 2 hours.

    I spent the last year trying to get back in the rhythm of every day life. I moved home after mum died, partly to help take care of dad who had lost his partner and best fried, but partly because I needed him to support me too. It hasn’t always been easy, but we have learned to lean on each other and take life one day at a time. I think we are getting closer to a ‘new normal’. I have battled the twin demons of depression and anxiety and while I’m not cured (nor will I ever be), I am having more good days than bad. I still miss mum every day, I still catch myself thinking “I should call her” when I get news, but I’m adjusting to life without her physical presence in my life.

    Given all of that, I was surprised when I found myself entertaining the idea of going to BlissDom Canada. I’m not a social butterfly. I don’t like crowds of people when I know many of them. Interestingly, put me in front of a room full of strangers and I’m golden. I had no problem appearing on radio talk shows to talk about military history, hosting a podcast about Canadian Football, or lecturing to 400 students in an undergraduate class. Once I know more than 10% of the people though, I start getting really nervous and imagining all the things that could go wrong or all the stupid things I could say.  It gets bad enough that I have broken out in hives at social gatherings. So why would I want to attend a social media and blogging conference where I would know many of the people either from real life or from social media? The answer is pretty clear – because mum would want me to. Mum always encouraged me to test my boundaries, to push myself out of my comfort zone and live life as fully as possible. She would see this conference as an amazing way to meet people, learn new skills, and have some fun. So I registered.

    In the week since I registered, I’ve vacillated between excitement and dread. Financially, it was a stretch to afford the conference fee, but with the discount code from the Yummy Mummy Club and the Early Bird pricing, it was doable. I’m not sure about the hotel – I think it would be really good for me to stay over at the conference so that I don’t have the temptation to jump in the car and drive home, but it’s another expense and the thought of finding roommates brings up even more anxieties – what if nobody wants to be my roommate, what if nobody likes me, what if i make a fool of myself? – so I’m still debating that. I’m reading the posts in the Facebook groups, following the tweets, and reading the newsletters and website obsessively. I’m beginning to swing more towards excitement than dread but I’m still more nervous about this than anything I’ve done in recent memory.

    The people I know who are going to BlissDom Canada are awesome. They are telling me how much fun I will have and how nobody will care if i need to escape out of the room for a few minutes to calm myself down. They tell me not to worry about what I wear but, of course, I do. I was never one of the cool kids. I was never what you would call fashionable.  Clothes are something to be worn so that you don’t go around naked. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve worn heels. So I worry that I won’t fit in. I worry that I won’t know what to wear for the parties. I worry that I will be over dressed or under dressed or dressed in the wrong clothes. I worry that people won’t like me. I worry that people will decide I’m nowhere near as interesting as I appear to be online (which is pretty sad since I’m not all that interesting online!) and not want to talk to me.  I worry that since I took the last  year off from blogging (mostly because the thought of one more thing to do overwhelmed me – there are at least 15 posts that I started and never finished), I’m too out of the loop to be at a blogging conference. I worry I won’t have anything in common with the people I thought I knew.

    Despite all of this, I’m still going. I have watched the tweets and posts from previous years with a twinge of envy. This year I won’t be reading the tweets and posts from home but from the conference itself. I’m not sure what to expect, I’m not sure I can get through it without a panic attack, but I am sure of one thing: Mum would have wanted me to go. So if you see me at BlissDom Canada with a look of terror in my eyes, come say hi. It’s not you, it’s me.

  • 2 am ramblings

    2 am ramblings

    Tonight, I tried to fill my head with beauty to mitigate the horror my mind is imagining to go along with the news stories I read. I worked a holiday concert for a local Montessori school – over 150 children singing and making music and generally being children – which helped a bit. After that I went to my friend’s house, gave their 3 year old her Christmas present and helped her get ready for bed. Her hugs helped mend my heart a bit too. I got to cuddle a 6 month old baby and spend time with his parents. I got caught up in the TV show Arrow (yes… there is beauty there too). I even stayed too late and watched an episode of Doctor Who.

    At this point it was 1 AM and I really should have gone home to bed but I couldn’t do it. Instead I drove 5 minutes further west until I was outside the city limits and found a side road to park on. I had my BlackBerry with me for safety and took a blanket, my padded stadium cushion and my mittens and just sat in the dark. In the span of half an hour I saw 14 meteors. I sat quietly, and prayed for the world and for the families that wouldn’t be getting any rest tonight.

    After 30 minutes, I drove home, got into my fuzzy pjs and am writing this. I’m not healed by any stretch but my soul feels a little lighter. Sometimes a bit of alone time with astronomical phenomenons in the dead of winter can help our minds proccess the unimaginable.

    Hug your children (or other people’s children)! Go out and sit in the dark. Volunteer. Choose your method of healing but acknowledge that our lives have changed forever with the senseless deaths in Connecticut.

  • Please Excuse my absence.

    Please Excuse my absence.

    It’s been a rough couple of months. Every time I think I’m going to get back on track and blog again something happens. First it was pneumonia. I have had it before but I had obviously forgotten just how much it takes out of you. I ended up pulling the muscles between my ribs by coughing so much. Let me tell you – sitting at the computer (or anywhere really) was the last thing I wanted to do. Then, my house was burglarized. I am thankful that it was only material goods that were stolen (Wii, games, DVDs, Monitor, Laser Printer) but it’s still shaken me. I’m pretty good at putting on a happy face and going out into the world but having my space invaded and *my* things taken scared me. It’s especially frustrating since I’m still looking for work and don’t have the money to replace what was stolen. The total for the stuff that was stolen was just under my deductible on my renter’s insurance so there’s no point putting a claim in.  I’ve had to evict a housemate because he a) didn’t pay rent and b) took a swing at me when I asked him about the rent.

    The lack of a full time job is also frustrating.  I have applied for over 100.  I’ve been interviewed 10 times (and yes I know that a 10% interview rate is good) but keep hearing that I’m overqualified.  I’ve been lucky enough to find contract work redoing a doctor’s filing system to add dividers and repairing all the broken file folders.  It’s hard work but it’s work and I’m grateful for it.  I’m not sure what the future will hold.  I’ve had more than one company tell me they want a full social media plan as part of my application for the job.  Um.  I’m pretty sure that’s what you’d be HIRING me to do.  If I gave it to you as part of my application, why would you hire me?  Why not just steal my ideas and get someone else to implement them?  I know I sound jaded.  I hate sounding jaded.  I am a trusting person by nature and I hate that I’m becoming less trusting.  I want to see the best in people.  I want to work where my ideas will be appreciated and where I can learn new things.  I want to be challenged in my work.  Is that really too much to ask?

    This wasn’t the post i sat down to write today.  but it’s the one that needed to be written.  Hopefully now that I’ve jumped back in, my words will come more freely.

     

  • Sponsorship Questions

    Sponsorship Questions

    I’ve been invited to attend the She’s Connected Conference in Toronto in September.  I’m really excited to go because I want to learn how to make my blog and Twitter and Facebook accounts more relevant.  In the last few days the excitement has started to be co-mingled with  trepidation (yes it’s a $20 word but I love it so I’m using it).  I’ve seen a lot of the other attendees actively seek wardrobe, travel, or shoe sponsors for the event.  Lord knows I’d love to have someone pay for the hotel room for #SCCTO – Money isn’t a luxury I have a lot of right now, but I’m wary because I’m not sure I want to sell myself to do it.  Right now, whenever I endorse something on Twitter, Facebook, or here, it’s because i use it and genuinely like it.  I won a new Blackberry Bold 9900 on Twitter in July.  I entered the #BB7FanNight Contest and won.  I got to go to a really fancy launch party and play with all of the new devices that use the BB7 OS and choose one.  I received it on Friday an tweeted that I love it.  I really do love it.  It has a touch screen and a keyboard and it’s really easy to use.   There were no terms in the contract that said I had to tweet about how much I loved it –  I gave Blackberry PR the right to use the tweets I entered the contest with in their advertising campaign, they liked one of the entries, I won a new Blackberry.   If I hated the device I would say that, but I don’t.

    Incidentally I also won a pair of Skullcandy ROCNATION headphones at the BB7FanNight event and I love them too.  I’ve been looking for a new pair of headphones for awhile, and the ROCNATIONs in addition to looking really cool (they came with a cloth to make sure the outside stayed shiny!) are incredibly comfortable too.   The only problem may be that they’re TOO good – when I tried to do some transcription off of a cassette tape they conveyed every hiss and crackle of the tape!  I had heard of Skullcandy headphones before but figured they were too ‘hip’ for me – now I don’t care – I just love them.

    I have an iphone that I got from my best friend.  I like it  a lot too – but there are some things about it that drives me nuts.  I’m sure after I use the new Bold9900 for a year, there will be things that drive me nuts about them too.  If I were to be offered a sponsorship by Blackberry, would I be free to voice any concerns I had about my device?

    I’m afraid that if I enter into a relationship with a brand to get sponsorship for a conference, it will force me to not be honest about my opinions of products.  I like to support local companies and failing that, Canadian companies.  but I’m not willing to support a company that has crap products.  I want my friends to know that when I recommend something (like I did with the Adult Essentials vitamins this week to a group of friends) that I actually use and enjoy the product.   I’m still pretty new to the whole brands and blogs thing, but I’m not sure I’m willing to sell my soul for the price of a hotel room.

  • Cottage

    Cottage

    I love heading to the cottage.  Not the drive but just the act of actively getting away from it all.  It’s not that I don’t love life in Kitchener but I feel more relaxed at the lake.  I’m generally doing as many (if not more) things up there than I am in the city but I can drop any of them and go for a swim if i feel like it.  Now that’s freedom.    I generally get chewed by the mosquitoes (and if I’m really unlucky, the deer flies),  but other than that I enjoy hanging out with the local wildlife – the chipmunks, minnows, and even Snappy – the 60+ year old snapping turtle who teaches people not to leave fish on the dock by eating them.

    My grandfather built the cottage 50 years ago this year.  A lot has happened there.  I have spent time almost every year of my life at my beloved cottage.  Yet, times change.  Mum’s growing mobility issues will soon force us to sell the cottage and find a more level lot.  I will be sad to say goodbye to the cottage but also happy to have one that the whole family can enjoy.

  • Only Children…

    Only Children…

    Some recent news articles have made me think  about my status as an only child.  My mum, asked me a few months ago whether I felt left out because I was an only child.   I didn’t then and I don’t now.  I loved being an only child.  I’m sure I would have loved siblings too but being an only gave me advantages I wouldn’t have otherwise had.  That’s not to say that I was spoiled.  My parents took great care to avoid that.  For starters I had a bunch of cousins within a 10 minute drive from my house who were over a lot and tortured me like siblings.   They took my stuff and roughhoused and generally had a good time.

    I was also involved in Guiding, hockey, and swimming lessons plus occasionally other things like a little chefs course.  I was well socialized and I’m not sure that I could have done all those things if there was a sibling in the mix.

    I wasn’t lonely.  I was the type of kid who was happiest reading a book, and in books I found all sorts of wonderful people and stories.  I also had a lot of friends who I could go and call on and play with after school or on weekends.    Yes… go out and play – around the corner or, when i got a little older, down the block and through the walkway.  I played with my friends, got annoyed by their siblings and returned to my cozy home.

    I am both my father’s daughter and my mother’s daughter.  Mum and I would sit and do crafts and she would patiently teach me how to knit day after day when I forgot.  Would we have had all that 1 on 1 time if I had siblings?   Dad treated me like one of the boys – I got to watch sports with him.  Hockey, Auto racing, and football.  Dad loves football and as he put it, they were pretty sure they were only going to have 1 kid, there was 1 tv, mum tolerated football but didn’t love it and he wanted to make sure the vote would be 2 vs 1 FOR football.  Hence my beginnings as a football junkie.  I wonder if I had had a brother, if my dad would have spent as much time explaining all the nuances of football to me?  I’d like to think so but I’m not sure.

    I know i missed out on things by not having a sibling.  Mum’s big worry is that I won’t have family to support me when they die.  I told her that I have friends and that just because people are related by blood doesn’t necessarily mean that they can stand each other.    I feel loved and supported by the friends I have made and that is enough for me.

    I wouldn’t have minded to have had someone else to blame things on either, come to think of it.    When there was trouble in the house or something got broken, it was almost always my fault and I took the blame.  If I’d had a younger sibling, I could have blamed them.  There’s only so much you can blame on a dog.

    Overall I feel like I had a well-rounded, happy childhood.  I don’t think that I missed anything huge by not having biological siblings, I have a few friends who are as close to me as they are to their biological siblings if not closer.

    I know quite a few only children, and none of us feel like we were deprived in any way of part of our childhood.  I’ve had friends worry that they don’t have a sibling for their child yet.  Relax, I tell them, even if you don’t ever end up with another kid, your firstborn won’t be horribly scarred.  I may not get the mushy “sister” cards, but that’s ok with me.

  • Unfair

    Unfair

    Life is unfair sometimes.  I am an adult and I get that concept.  What I don’t understand is why my friend Mishi is being dealt such a crap hand by the universe right now.   Her beautiful 2-year-old daughter, Stella has been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.  She is going to die and it will be sooner rather than later.
    I met Mishi years ago (and no I don’t remember how many) in a band called Argonotes.  We played at football games and had a lot of fun.  Mishi met and fell in love with a wonderful woman named Aimee.  They decided to have children.  They were blessed with a beautiful little girl who they named Stella Joy.  And yet she is dying.  It’s been less than 2 months since they got the devastating news that Stella Joy is not long for this world.  I don’t even want to think about whether I could show the kind of strength that they are displaying on a daily basis.  From the beginning their priorities have been to ensure that Stella has a fabulous summer and cram as much life into the time she has left.  I am truly in awe of these two fabulous people.

    You can read their whole story here (note: you may want a box of kleenex handy).

    https://web.archive.org/web/20181127171144/http://www.stellabrunermethven.com/

  • exhaustion

    exhaustion

    the past week has been exhausting both mentally and physically – how does my body choose to react to the stress?  By making sure I get less than 5 hours of sleep a night.  Sometimes I think my body is engaged in an all out war with itself.  I’m working tomorrow and have band rehearsal but am going to try to get a good night’s sleep tonight so that I can stay awake at band.  Tuesday I’m sleeping in.  Late.

  • on the loss of a friend

    on the loss of a friend

    I lost a friend tonight. Not just a friend but an ally. She took her own life because she couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now here’s where I do the unconventional thing – I’m going to rant and rail at my friend. How dare she be so selfish? Didn’t she realize that her suicide would hurt her friends? Her family? What about all the lives she could have touched had she chosen not to take her life? The world is far poorer without her. I am far poorer without her. I remember reading once that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I only wish my friend had remembered this earlier today.

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